This is probably not the post you think it is. I mean after barely starting my food blog and website, I disappeared for a year, leaving my infant baby blog to gather cyber dust. I ought to come back with some amazing recipes or food plans. But that is not this post. This is a post about love. About finding things that were lost. Things that were hiding in plain sight for a long time. And pain – this blog is about pain. I’m not the most eloquent with words. After all, I am a non-profit accountant by profession. And this is a blog about food. But I digress…
You see I was gone because I was very busy having a brutiful year. Some people are so strong that they can live brutifully and blog about it at the same time. I don’t think I’m there yet. God’s working on me.
This started because one year ago, I got the NEWS from my husband. I could try to write it for you but really you should read her message:
My details were slightly different – we weren’t at therapy for one. If you ever had the NEWS in your marriage, you know exactly what she is talking about. I couldn’t really write it better than Glennon. News than can crush a heart. Pain so deep, you’d never known the depths before. When emotional pain is so sharp, it manifests as physical pain. Each breath of air hurts.
That’s why I wrote this post today. You see, I had an asthma attack this afternoon. Not my first, won’t be my last. But for a pretty solid chunk of time today, breathing hurt. It was hard. Sometimes I was coughing so much, I had to gasp in the next breath between spasms. And in the midst of this, I praised God for each breath. Even though it hurt. I felt it. I remembered each one. When we get complacent in everyday life, we walk about so comfortably we don’t even notice the crucial things that give us life – those things that sustain us. We can slip into take things for granted mode. When life forces us outside our comfort zone, God can open our eyes to all the precious details we’d forgotten to be thankful for. That’s when we really start living. The blessings and beauty have been surrounding us, but we were blinded by complacency.
Beautiful Things – Gungor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ4yNYY1hHM
What previously were irritating piles of laundry, became precious items that I have the privilege of washing because I have been blessed with those people in my life.
My NEWS meant divorce and a slew of life changes that were out of my control. I could only hang on for the ride. And breathe through the pain. And PRAY.
Have I learned to pray! I have witnessed God’s faithfulness in amazing ways this past year.
Too much amazingness for this one blog post. I’ll probably need to write a book.
Oh, and yes I cried an ocean full of tears. I had to grieve the loss of a husband and a marriage. Only there is no funeral for these things in divorce, so I kept hosting and crashing various gatherings of friends and family so I could be with my loved ones and be held, be supported. God surrounded me with such amazing people to breath hope and wisdom into my life. I grew some of the most amazing friendships and aligned myself with a sisterhood of prayer warriors.
Anytime I lost that connection to God – that sustaining and life affirming home of my heart, He always sent just the right person in His perfect timing. The Healer of my heart working to restore my hope and my peace. The middle of the night Facebook messages, numerous coffee and lunch dates, the prayer filled texts, the phone call just as the tears of a tough day welled up in my eyes – so many of you were the hands and feet of Jesus to me.
The divorce is final now. My grieving is done. There was no more sadness left at the end – a whole year later. Because now I am someone new. My life is new. There are still hard parts. That is life – always making us go through the hard stuff. God is refining us. Burning away the impurities in the hottest of fires. Or as my five year old told me, “Our life is a whole project of getting closer to God until we reach heaven and get to be with Him.” My reaction this week? I ran out and bought petunias and planted them along my front sidewalk.
The Phoenix spring is blooming. Life begins anew. I’m so excited. I want to run out and love on the world! I am going to learn new things! I am going to Love and Give and Learn and Laugh.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25
I’m hoping I can still wear hot pink and pull it off with dignity. Because, I WILL be wearing hot pink.
A time to dance…
Good Morning – Mandisa http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnmWwudeqfM